I don't know anything.
The longer I live, the more that cements into my brain.
I don't know anything.
I've left home. I have a job that pays just over minimal, stresses me out, and gets so hot in summer, last year they were almost legally not allowed to work. I'm trying to go to university, but so far I'll pretty much have to put myself through because "Soon your brother will be going to college and we can't do both." I have a car that's about to be useless, cause I can't air care it, therefore having to buy a new car.
On top of it, now I'm upset over something stupid, like working on Get-Together Saturday. For ALL of the interesting ones. I can be there for movies at my loves house, but the moment it's different.. Missed hot tub, twice, and now I'm missing the island day.
Am I seriously retarded, and just dont know?
I'm sick of guessing.

Hey Jazzy,
How long had it been since anyone called you Jazzy? How about Loodle? I take that name and hold it very dear, because I know it's something only you and I ever shared. Same with our arguements over who Inuyasha would end up with; Kikyo or Kagome. I still have accounts on websites with Inome. I remember the night we came up with those.
It's been a year today since the crash. I don't go too many days without thinking of you. I know we grew apart after JMAC, I was never much of a partier and you loved it. But I wish I could have had one party with you.
I dream of you, you know. We meet up back at Beaverly, with everyone else, or I run into you at a store. It's so nice to see you, even if I know it's a dream, and I'll wake up in tears. Just to have a few more minutes, one more conversation.
I like to think it's really you. Remember all those times at my house, "feeling" ghosts, making ouiji boards. I like to think maybe I have some clairvoyance, and it's really you checking up on me. I hope you check on others too. Your sisters, and Bean. Your mom too. I hope they have the chance to see your face again the way I get to.
One year. Jazzy, it feels like such a short time ago we were talking at school about Pokemon. Wearing sandals in winter, singing. Playing Bloody Mary at sleepovers at your place and freaking out. Do you remember when we learned how to twirl sticks? It took you so long to figure it out left handed.
That birthday, when your mom shoved cake in my face. Even doing dishes at your house. What about that time we swam across the river, and you cut your foot and I was jumped on/attacked by dogs.
I remember sitting on the trampoline with that jewelry box full of perfume, nail polish, coloured water. We'd make potions, foul smelling things, but we didn't care because it was all too much fun.
I miss those days, Jazz.
Love Chitchi

Not Sure About This...

Well... Plans do as they usually do; change.
And that's just what they did.
Plan was: Mario Party drinking game, me, the boy, and his twin and older brother.
Plan now: Girl I've been having troubles with (and who basically hates me) is now here to play.
Problem 1) Awkward level through the roof; conversation level through the floor (for most of us, most of the time.)
Problem 2) More money spent on booze.
Problem 3) Mario Party is a 4 person game, and it's hit 5 players.
Sigh. Let's have a pre drink. Maybe that will fix the great apprehension I'm currently feeling.

New Day?

I had an amazing Valentine's Day.

Steak, crab-stuffed mushrooms, wine.

Movie, sex, back massage...

Then slept in until noon with you. Truly was the best first Valentines Day together, ever.

=)

And the day after was amazing, in another way.

My best friend was up (down?), visiting his dad. I almost couldn't believe it.

The next ferry left at 12:45, they don't let people on after ten minutes to leaving, and it was already way too late. We tried it anyway, and that was how I ended up taking a ferry across the ocean, by myself, to see my best friend.

Oh, and it was so worth it! It was as if I'd never left, inside jokes picked right up, memories flooded the tiny beater car he was borrowing, and countless peals of laughter.

I almost peed myself at one point. No joke, shameless confession.

I bought new belly jewellery, the barbells I got were exactly what I had been looking for (and at an amazing sale! He bought a Domo stuffie!)

We even got free Warheads. (Priceless faces!)

Not to mention the ridiculous massage chair thing...holy hell.

You know how you pat a baby on the back to make it burp?

Yeah. It was like that. For adults.

When the day came to a close, it saw me and this girl dashing to catch the 8:15 ferry. We actually hung out on the ferry. Well, she studied for her midterms, I read one of her personality textbooks.

Fascinating read!

Today, however is more self-reflection. A few days ago I fell into a funk, like I seem to do every once in a while. It definitely occurred more often at home, and hasn't shown up much since the move, but they seem to be coming back. I was a little concerned; I had no interest in things I usually liked to do (other than read).
I would go to bed early, which is strange now for me. I wouldn't knit (my latest obsession), didn't want to play games, and my book was finished. I sat at the table for what felt like forever...In reality, it was probably only 30 minutes at most. But that's still weird for me.

After having a few days with mon amour, I was feeling better, but coming back..I feel bleak again. But I don't truly think it's some kind of depression, because it wouldn't be so...predictable, would it? I think it's a mixture of the whole C-Drama thing (as I've dubbed it), school stress (I've turned into a terrible procrastinator), working five days a week (not that I'm actually working full time), and seeming not to really have any friends other than my boyfriends' family.

It's...been interesting. Not that I'm complaining.

No, I love this opportunity I've had so far to live here, away from home and able to go on adventures without someone saying "Well, the ferry leaves so soon, you won't make it, just schedule for another day."

It's all my decisions, whether they're good or bad. It's scary.

It's exhilarating.

Yeah, Right.

Ah, yes. Last time you heard from me, things were about to be resolved.

Hah. I live in a dreamers world.

It was great, for about half an hour. I was uncomfortable, so we left the room so I could do my homework. But while in the other room, it's like nothing has changed.

Now, I want to be clear. I'm not mad, though it may sound like it. I'm just annoyed.

She complains about me talking about things she hasn't gotten to do, but she can easily turn around and do it to me without a thought.

She complains about not having time to hang out with everyone, but when it comes to drinking with them, she has all these days that will work perfectly.

It just seems all pointless to me, if she has all these reservations about me doing something, but she has free reign because SHE is the one who's been wronged.

You know what?

I'm done.

For real this time.

This Is It

So, to anyone who has been following this circus, things have progressively gone from bad to worse. I'm about done with it, but at this point, I'm kinda not allowed to be due to one thing:

If I'm done, they're done.

And for his sake, and his only, I'm giving it one last try.

I like her, I really do. But she needs to grow up a little. And if this doesn't work, than I'm not going to continue with this pathetic banter back and forth. I can't live with it. I am who I am, and it's not going to change.

Tonight is meeting night; the four of us are going to have a talk. Though it was her idea to have all four of us there, I hope that she doesn't feel we're ganging up on her, because we all believe (for the most part) that she is in the wrong with this whole thing.

I'm going to say my piece, and try to understand what she is upset about. But if it goes nowhere, and she keeps bringing up the past without trying to move forward, then I have to be done.

I can only take so much, and I'm at my emotional breaking point, as much as I hate to admit it.

I suppose I'll update after the dust settles.

Wish me luck.

Come on!

Can't I get a break? I'm told repeatedly not to go over to my boyfriends house when SHE is there, so I ask him, "It's safe for me to come over any time, right?"

Safe meaning no crazy girl around.

Apparently, he didn't get it. -.-

I walk in the door, say hello, and I notice her boyfriends almost panicked face. GREAT.

Now I'm upstairs, about to actually RUN OUT of homework because I'm so not welcome downstairs, and its awkward as hell.

And to top it off, she's probably staying for pizza night as well.

So, basically, we're all going to plaster fake smiles on our faces, talk about nothing, pretend it's not as awkward as it's going to be, and run off to different rooms if we ever get the chance.

I almost want to leave.

But I'm not going to. I'm not going to let her insecurities about me existing and their parents getting to know me more than they're going to get to know here (or some other such dribble) ruin my life.

I'm not going to let her win (whatever that is).

I'm not leaving.

...

But I'm still not going downstairs.

...Fuck.

Ugh..

Well, though I thought everything would be okay, because I was told that she was "now okay with it."

Wrong.

Wrong.

Wrong.

Wrong!

I'm getting sick and tired of this. I would be alright, if she hadn't been pissed for like three months, allthewhile pretending everything is okay. I would be alright, if she would stop complaining about it to her boyfriend. I would be alright, if she just bloody talked to me about it.

But nooo. That's far too rational. So while she sits, and broods, and gets madder and madder because her mind is coming up with worse, out of proportion, untrue things (because girls minds do that), I'm sitting here, unable to do anything, because I don't know anything.

Which brings me to my other point. I don't know anything. Does this seem wrong to you?

See it yet?

No?

This whole damned thing is about me, and yet I am the last one to know anything. Apparently she does know about me knowing. What? When was I supposed to find out about this? After they're broken up and everything is unfixable? And what then? I do like her, she is (was? May still be, under all the crazy...), a nice girl, and I would like them to stay together. If she doesn't know that I know, and I confront her about it, then there's even less chance of them getting back together. If she does know I know, what if I just make it worse? Though, I'd be hard pressed to. Just breathing the air here probably annoys her.

That was a little uncalled for. And a little exaggerated. But you have to understand that I'm frustrated.

Anyway.

That's kind of where my head is right now. I'm confused, mad, upset, a little depressed and I really don't know where to go with this.

*sigh*

I guess I'll go do my homework now.

Same Old...

I know this is only for my own sake, but a diary entry just doesn't tempt me right now. Maybe because I've been doing too many notes for my college course, but whatever the reason, I came here. Maybe because I feel anonymous, and nobody I know would ever really look for this. Even though it would be terribly simple to find. Maybe I just like typing. Yeah, that might play a part in this. Anyway..

We left off with an airport meeting. It didn't happen due to my sticky teachers, but however it happened, me and this amazing guy are back together. I moved to his town, I'm going to school. I even have a job I really like. All good things must come to an end.

Someone whom I thought I was really close with seems to resent my being here. And until recently, she didn't want to talk to me about it at all. So what at first seemed an easy to fix, understandable problem has grown and expanded into a giant clusterfuck of what the hell. It doesn't even make that much sense! Sometimes, I hate my gender. This girl plays an important part in everyones lives because she is my boyfriend's brother's girl, and we're pretty much supposed to be sisters. Hell, I thought we were. I guess not, now that things have changed. The way I see it, now that I'm here, and able to see my love, and visit with his parents and bond with his brothers, she isn't getting the center attention. And that bothers her to the point of being incredibly mad. It's so ridiculous that, when her boyfriend told her she was overreacting and didn't side with her, she got incredibly mad at him. So there's this giant circle of misguided anger, and nobody has any idea how to fix it. Probably because she doesn't seem to want to fix it. It really has nothing to do with me, it is her perception of what's been going on, and what she thinks is happening. She's twisting words into what she doesn't want to hear, simply because (I think) she wants to be mad. I've been there before, but that doesn't make it right. Hell, I'm not even supposed to know about this at all, which I think is the saddest part. It makes me wonder how long she's been putting on this good face, and secretly hating me for it. Any times we hung out and had fun, was she pretending? Does she think other things we did together, I did because she was doing it, and I "wanted to one up her"? Even though none of this is my fault, I can't help but be sad, and upset about it.

Tomorrow evening or Monday I'll see her, and all this shit will actually hit the fan. Boy, can I not wait.